My biggest fear

My 2017’s list of resolutions means I get to grow and change and explore.  This is the reason most people make lists for themselves.  We all want to improve.  Two years ago the most important thing I did for myself was that I took ownership in all my feelings.  If I felt mad, I’d ask myself, “What about this actually irritated you?” or “Why does it matter, how will it affect you?”  If I felt sad, I’d ask myself, “What it was that made me feel this way and how could I change or prevent it in the future?”.  Or even questions to myself like, “Is it okay to feel like this, even briefly, to learn something?” (I know what YOU are thinking right now,  this is too deep.  BUT those questions are helpful when you’re an over-thinker).  Typically, I’m in great control of my feelings and emotions.  I get angry sometimes, but it passes quickly.  I learned at a young age that anger doesn’t serve me any valid purpose beyond what it was exactly that upset me and how I can move on.  I never liked that feeling of contention that settles in your stomach when you are angry at someone, something, or most importantly, yourself.  I never enjoyed that loss of control feeling from overexcitement, sadness, and even bliss.  I avoided it as much as possible to prevent myself from an emotional upheaval.  It’s time to change that.

Last week I had two quiet hours with my friend.  We discussed lots of things like the past and the future and our children and our hopes and our plans.  I had a small issue (and by small, the kind that brings me to tears and I never talk about because, well….. I avoid it) and needed to sort some things out in my head.  One of the only true disadvantages of being single is making every decision on your own.  I have no one to always bounce options or ideas off of and so my friend got to be my sounding board for the night.  To tease you just a little, my problem involved running away from something because it was causing emotions.  The easy way out would be to ignore and forget and remove myself from the problem.  But in reality, I was the problem.  My feelings were just too big for me to acknowledge.  Running was the easiest thing to do to avoid being hurt.  I knew that if I ran, I wouldn’t learn anything. I wouldn’t experience any growth.

I remember that urge to run right before I jumped out of the plane when I went skydiving.   I didn’t hesitate to get into the plane.  I was calm and relaxed the entire time we were gaining altitude.  But the moment the instructor asked me to step out onto the wing while my feet were still safely planted on the inside of the aircraft I lost it.  I was visibly shaking, the blood rushed from my face and I thought, “How could I have been so stupid?”  then “What is wrong with me?”  I urged myself outside anyway.  The goggles were anti-fog but not anti-tears.  I was crying against my will and the moisture slowly created a film along the edges.  It wasn’t a sobbing but the terror consumed me.  In a total of maybe 10 seconds, from stepping out to jumping off the wing, I pushed past the edge (literally and figuratively) from my biggest fear to one of the most exhilarating thing I’ve ever done.  I was flying without a care in the world.  It was magical.  But if I had let the fear stop me, I couldn’t have experienced the thrill.  That’s not say that the whole jump was perfect.  I landed and vomited twice before I could stand up.  I was still shaking for a while after and I made my friend drive me home.  I suppose it was because I was so worked up with emotion and the fear was so great that my body just reacted that way.  But one thing I knew;  I had done it.

It hurts to even write this, knowing I’m declaring out loud this resolution.  My heart feels squeezed and perhaps I have a punctured lung because my breathing is short and shallow.  My friend told me during our visit, “Just let it be. If it hurts, it hurts.  If it doesn’t, it doesn’t”.  I screamed “NO” at her, but only in my head and then sat quietly for awhile.  I want to feel stuff.  I’ve lived being numb to most things.  I can testify that feelings and emotions are so much better than nothing.  The thing is, I’m scared.  Being brave.  Standing up for myself. Standing up for others.  Doing what I know is right when everyone else thinks it’s wrong.  Chasing my dreams.  Being nice when I am not treated the same.  School. Making mistakes.  Work. Free time. Love.  Being loved is paralyzing.

I’ve got a plan.  I’m going to Face My Fears this year.  I’m going to jump off the wing over and over again.  I’m going to make tons of mistakes doing it and will most likely get hurt a lot.  But for the few times it’ll work out, I know it’ll be worth it.


I don’t care AND I’m happy about it.

Traveling questions I understand but personal questions the last few months have been off the charts. “Have you heard…?, Or did that really happen?”, have been blurted out unexpectedly mid-conversation since the early part of this year.  The questions regarding an event that I was not involved in directly but because I had knowledge of it made me indirectly a target of rumors.  There were a few that apologized, told me they felt guilty for not supporting me more or for distancing themselves (which I didn’t notice) and said they were shocked that they never heard any of it from me.
This is a part of life.
1-people are curious and 2-people have no filter. Generally I think the best of people so I’m amused by behaviorism.
Here’s my generic answers to most questions following a rumor.

  • Yes. I’ve heard.
  • I don’t care. 
  • Karma.

I will reiterate that I really don’t care. I’m much more concerned about the fact that my favorite Menthol RAGNAR Chapstick is all gone and I don’t know what to replace it with because their new one is not the same.  AND how will the UK referendum change my travel plans?

I’ve learned three important lessons two years ago.  The fact is, 1-we can’t change other people. More than not caring about gossip, I’m thinking What is your motivation for asking?, or It’s none of your business. Seasoned in a culture to be polite and forgiving, I think the majority of us are too kind to actually say it’s none of your business.  Even now,  I’m not saying it to anyone in particular but writing it in a blog, not to be read by the person, err, people that needs to hear it.  I got divorced two years ago.  I’ve had comments and inquiries regarding personal issues that I never fathomed even possible conversations.  Anyone who joins me in the ranks of Divorced Mormon knows the depths to our religious shaming and false concern.  It bothered me a lot at first.  In the beginning I spent a lot of time defending myself but I quickly learned another valuable lesson.  2-Self-love. I like myself better now than I have in years.  I’m happy.  I don’t care AND I’m happy.  It’s true.  I am no longer bothered by the judgment that flows with abundance in our culture. I stopped worrying about what was being said and what followed not worrying was that I soon stopped hearing anything that was being said.  It’s called the Law of Attraction.  (I heard a lot of what was being said as it was recounted during apologies the past few months and giggled a little every time at the absurd assumptions.  That’s how far I placed myself from it.)  Without needing much explanation in regards to all the gossip that’s meeting the ears of the locals these days, my favorite lesson I’ve learned in the past few years is trust in 3-Karma. If you wait patiently, it always takes care of everything. Always.

*photo taken in Gamla Stan, Stockholm, Sweden.